I have not been very effective this week, and I regret that I didn’t get a winter break injunction out to you before how. But I thought I’d take a moment to chronicle my week, which may give you some insight into why.
After a reasonably productive day of deaning on Tuesday — where “reasonably productive” means that the background of interruptions was punctuated by getting some work done — I sat down to a lovely dinner. I was enjoying a very spicy batch of habanero guac, and, as I often do, I leaned on the table, placing my jaw on my hand. I was surprised to find a very large, painful bump about the size of a pingpong ball just behind my left jaw. Naturally, I was a bit alarmed, especially because, in a mirror, I looked like I was trying to pass at the Fall Chipmunk Convention.
So, I did what any reasonably rational animal would do: Headed for the ER.
Seven hours and a CT scan later, it turns out I have a parotid duct obstruction. Now, if you’re like me, is a new ailment, consisting of small calcified lumps obstructing the Stensen duct, which delivers what I now consider to be a really impressive amount of saliva from the gland. So actually, I’m suffering from kidney stones of the mouth.
Like kidney stones elsewhere, those that block this duct can cause a lot of pain, which I can tell you from first-hand experience. You never really think about how much saliva you produce until it backs up under pressure in your cheek. It was very painful to open my mouth, which of course did not stop me at all.
You might be asking yourself, What’s the treatment for something like that? Well, that’s where the seven hours got a bit surreal. My attending physician (who was terrific, incidentally — in fact, the whole care team was great, and there were a lot of people coming in with much bigger problems than painful kidney stone of the mouth) told me to massage the huge saliva-bloated bump and — get this — eat lots of really sour candy.
When’s the last time a medical professional advised you to massage a body part and eat candy? That alone was worth the seven hours, existentially speaking.
And sorry to disappoint anyone, but this isn’t going to take me down. On the contrary, I have little calcified bits here and there in other organs. Except the heart — perfectly clear. Which means that I should live a long, full life of enjoying the calcified stones elsewhere in my body.
Here’s the holiday wish that was also obstructed:
Take time to connect with people you love, including yourself, and disconnect from work, especially ACC. It will all come back to you in the new year. This has been a crappy time for all of us — but it’s also been an amazing time given what we’ve accomplished together.
Our mission is far from over, and each and every one of you is necessary. Liberal Arts can save the world.
Take care of yourself and keep safe. I appreciate you.
Matthew
